Schrödinger's Television Show


Episode 1


by GREG LLOYD & DAVID VAN BRINK 27 December 1984 29 December 1984 30 December 1984 Transcribed 11 November 1995


ACT ONE


Scene 1. Interior: Schrödinger Institute. It is a dark mess of science and things scientific. There are many scientific devices. The band are sitting around doing stuff and drugs and Budweiser. Lots of TV shows are happening.

Karin
[Looking at a screen with something wacky.] Experiment number twenty, moving right on schedule.

VO Sam The Computer
Inventory reports indicate a surplus of item 5E.

Wendy
Say, Sam, what's item 5E?

VO Sam
Inventory index item 5E: Meta. Your instructions regarding item 5E?

Wendy
Aw I don't know, Sam, what's a Meta for?

[Suddenly, the phone beeps. It sounds like something important. Greg answers the phone.]

Greg
Schrödinger Institute, making the future a really neat place to be. Please hold! [Presses button.] Hey guys, somebody's on the phone.

David
Um, see what they want.

Greg
[Presses button.] Thank you for holding. What do you want?

VO Symba
Hello. My name is Symba, and I'd like to inquire on behalf of the Temple of Artificial Inspiration if, well... [Drones on.]

[Karin, across the room, manipulates some equipment so the rest of the band can see who's calling. On a TV monitor, we can see Symba, a girl with a funny religious haircut, talking on a telephone.]

Symba
...which is one week from tonight, and well, to get to the point, we'd like you to perform at our Equinox Cartilage celebration.

Greg
Hm, I'll have to consult our computer regarding the time scales involved... [Presses button.] Hey guys, we got a show!! [Presses button.] Yes, I believe we can contract for the dates mentioned.

Symba
Far out! the sacred cattle of yore must be smiling down upon us today. But it's very important that you perform exactly at sunset, for that is when the eternal cartilage shall soften, and the sky will boil, and the great blender of --

Greg
All right, all right, we'll be there.

Symba
You'd better, because if you're not, we'll have to get that other physicist band, the Dead Heisenbergs.

[As she speaks this last line, we can see that this entire exchange has been viewed on a TV monitor by none other than the Dead Heisenbergs.


Scene 2. Interior of the Heisenberg Foundation. Unlike the Institute, the Foundation is immaculate and white. The Dead Heisenbergs are immaculate and white. Everything is immaculate and white. They have very little equipment, and what they do have is quite immaculate.

Greg
So, probabilities appear to favor Now as a fortuitous moment to act.

Karin
We must eliminate the Schrödinger's, and prove to the scientific community who is the better band.

David
No experiment is too drastic for this situation.

Wendy
We must escalate their Q-factor, while holding the electroharmonic field stable. In this way, we can undertransfigurate the overstructure of time-space --

Jeff
Undertransfigurate the overstructure!? Heck, while you're at it, why don't you just send 'em to the Moon, for gosh sake? [All look at Jeff. He's just had a good idea.]

Karin [softly]
Experiment 22.

David
I think the situation is appropriate to put project M into effect.

Jeff
Project M? But that's unproven, we don't know what will happen. Besides, what happened to the fraternity of scientists?

All [glaring at Jeff]
The fraternity of scientists does not extend to the Schrödingers.

Jeff
Well, what about scientific ethic?

Greg
Heisenberg's fifth postulate clearly states that science NEVER equals ethic.

Jeff
No it doesn't!

[Greg lunges across table at Jeff. Other Heisenberg's restrain him, barely.]

Greg
You're no longer our brother!

Wendy
I think it's time for you to throw in your magnets and hop the next cyclotron out of here.


Scene 3. Interior of Schrödinger Institute. Greg is doing something with Algernon, the mouse experiment.

David
So, Greg, how's the Algernon experiment going? Is it almost ready?

[Close up short shot of Algernon, the very cute mouse.]

Greg
Well, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. No visible signs of change now, yet.

Rob The Television Entity
You'd better give him a little more beer then.

Karin
Come on, are we going to Little Bobby Einstein's Cafe, or not?

Greg
You guys go on, I'll tend to the experiment.

[The rest of the band leaves, each pulling a pair of sunglasses off the Institute's sunglass rack.

Greg
[As he pours beer into Algernon's water bottle, sings.] O' a scientist's work is ne'er done.

[When suddenly, there are flashes and noises and everything happens at once. Greg is tossed about the room...]

Greg
What was that?

[Greg goes to door, pulls pair of sunglasses off rack, and...]


Scene 4. Exterior of Schrödinger Institute on Lunar landscape. The door opens, and we see Greg, smiling in doorway, wearing sunglasses. As it is quite dim, he removes them, to see the Moon.

Greg
Uh oh, I'm on the Moon!

End of Act One


ACT TWO


Scene 5. Exterior at high school. Poindexter and Squirrel are excited by the prospect of a Schrödinger show, even if it is some religious thing or other.

Poindexter
Boy, I can hardly wait for the Schrödinger show, can you?

Squirrel
No, but if you hum a few bars, I could fake it.

Poindexter
You think they'll sell out?

Squirrel
Of course not! It's a private party. But I'll see what my contacts can come up with.

[Symba walks up to them.]

Symba
Allagalloo guys!

Poindexter
Hi Symba, we were just talking about the Equals Carnival, and boy are we excited! What time should we get there?

Squirrel
Yeah, Symba baby, we're gonna catch some action at this show, know what I mean? Huh? Huh?

Symba
It's the Equinox Cartilage celebration, and it's a very cherished moment among my sect.

Squirrel
Well, whatever it is, sounds like some party! You gonna serve those cool veggie eats?

Symba
That's it. If Yin was invited, and Yang wasn't, you guys couldn't go anyway. This is a private party. [Angrily.] Oollagalla, boys. [Starts to walk off.]

Poindexter
Wait! You can't uninvite me! Schrödinger's Band is my Nth favorite band! Hey wait! Gee Squirrel, now you've done it. We'll never get to see 'em.

Squirrel
Well, maybe we will, and maybe we won't!


Scene 6. Exterior of vacant lot where Schrödinger Institute used to be. All that is left is Rob's monitor on a stool, and maybe a chair or two. Karin, Wendy, and David arrive back from Einstein's cafe, and are bewildered by the lack of Schrödinger Institute.

Wendy
Where's the Institute? Isn't this where we left it?

Karin
You were driving, you tell us!

Wendy
I thought David was driving.

David
I wasn't driving, but this is where we used to live... I think... but where is everything?

Karin
Hey, there's ersatz Rob. Maybe he knows what happened.

[They walk over to Rob.]

Karin
Rob, What happened?

Rob
I... I don't know. I was a TV movie, and when I was over, no Institute!

[Jeff Heisenberg arrives on the scene. The Schrödingers are suspicious.]

Jeff
Oh, no, too late! But you're here!

David
A Heisenberg... What are you doing here, on our, uh [looks around at empty lot], turf, as it were?

Wendy
Who let you out of your box?

Karin
Aren't you a little far from your laboratory, Heisenberg?

Jeff
No, no, you don't understand. I'm no Heisenberg anymore --

David
I don't trust him. Ersatz Rob, see what you can get out of him.

Rob
Why, it would be a pleasure, or not. Let me have him.

[All the Schrödingers grab Jeff and force him into a chair. They attach him to Rob's monitor via a scientific headband. Jeff writhes in mental agony as Rob (from his television monitor) shouts and points and generally intimidates Jeff.

Rob
I'm finished with this scientist. I think we can trust him.

[The other Schrödingers are astounded by this. They remove Jeff's headband.]

Jeff
They've put Project M into effect. They were going to send you all to the Moon, but I guess you weren't home.

Rob
Leaping litmus paper! Greg didn't go to Einsteins Cafe... therefore... he has gone to the Moon!

David
Jeff, can you duplicate project M, so's we can rescue our brother?

Jeff
Sure, no problem, piece of glass. I'll need a tube about this long, and a...

[Fade out, fade in, to the same vacant lot as before, but they have constructed a Project M device. This is a large silver tube, with machines, leading off screen.]

Jeff
And, with one final adjustment, there we are.

Wendy
Let's go! I think you've proven your honesty, Jeff.

Karin
I still don't trust him. You go through first, Heisenberg.

[Jeff climbs into the tube, followed by Wendy, Karin, and David. David reappears, grabs Rob's monitor, and climbs back in.


Scene 7. Exterior of Moon. We see the same silver tube, leading onto the opposite side of the screen. Jeff, climbs out, followed by Wendy, Karin, and David, who is now carrying an old radio. They all walk around the Moon amidst eerie space music. They come across Greg, who is sitting, whittling.

Greg
Professor, Marianne, Ginger, Mr and Mrs Howell, Skipper! You found me!

Wendy
I think something very strange has happened to Greg.

[But the moment has passed. They have all taken on the the characters from Gilligan's Island. Jeff becomes Mr Howell, Wendy becomes Mrs Howell, Karin becomes Ginger, and David is the Professor. Rob, strangely enough, as he is on radio only, becomes the Skipper.

Rob/Skipper
[On radio] We gotta help my little buddy! What are we gonna do, Professor?

David/Professor
Apparently, the space trip has altered our perceptions. The only thing we can do is leave this planet.

Karin/Ginger
I was in a TV show like this once. We were stranded on this desert island with no way off, and --

Wendy/Mrs Howell
Yes, speaking of which, now that we've found Gilligan, shouldn't we be leaving, dear? We don't want to miss the Rockefeller's tea party.

Jeff/Mr Howell
I'll have the chauffeur come immediately. Gilligan, I don't suppose you have a phone here, do you?

Greg/Gilligan
Why sure, Mr Howell, over in this building!

[Gilligan leads them into the Schrödinger Institute. They go inside.]


Scene 8. Interior of Schrödinger Institute on the Moon.

David/Professor
[Impressed by the Institute] Why Gilligan, you've done remarkably well with the resources available to you here on the Moon.

VO Sam
Attention Doctors Schrödinger, Doctor Heisenberg. Your perceptions have become altered due to an unusual concentration of syndicated radiation. I have nullified the field within this building. I have a surplus of item 5E.

[Everyone looks confused, then normal. Even Rob reappears on an Institute television monitor.]

Karin
Whew! Now I know how you feel, ersatz Rob.

Wendy
Swell, we're on the Moon and completely normal. What are we gonna do now?

Jeff
So this is the Schrödinger Institute.

Greg
First, we've got to do some experiments. [He lights up a joint.]

David
Then, we've got to get out of here.

Karin
Looks like Greg's on his way. Mind passing that around?

David
Hey, Sam, how about figuring out how we can get out of here?

Sam
No problem, guys.


Scene 9. Interior of Heisenberg Foundation. Greg is on the telephone.

Greg
Why yes, of course Miss Symba, we'll be right over.

[We now see that the rest of the Dead Heisenbergs have assembled their equipment in immaculate white containers and are standing by the door. Greg turns to them and smiles, clasping his hands in victory.


Scene 10. Interior of Schrödinger Institute on the Moon. They have tied a rope to something solid inside the Institute.

Jeff
Hey computer, are you completely sure this is going to work?

VO Sam
My calculations indicate a success factor probability on the close order of 52 percent. [Beat.] And my name is Sam.

[All the Schrödinger's are delighted and confident. A large number 52 appears on one of the monitors. They hold the rope and start climbing out through the window. Jeff isn't so sure. Jeff is standing, nearly alone, as Greg climbs out window.]

Greg
Come on, Jeff, Let's go!

[Jeff still isn't so sure, but climbs out window, leaving room empty, but for the rope leading out the window.]

VO Sam
Datum to file for future reference: Heisenbergs do not believe in chance.

VO All
[Outside the window.] Zero, one, two, pull!

[On the word "pull" the rope goes taut. Everything happens at once much as when Greg was sent to the Moon, but in reverse order.]


Scene 11. Interior of Schrödinger Institute on Earth. When the effects clear, we see Greg, David, Karin, Wendy, and Jeff all holding a rope which leads out the window. The lighting is subtly different... they are on Earth. They move hesitantly to the door and open it. Beautiful Terran sunlight floods the room, and all except Jeff reach for sunglasses off the rack. Satisfied that they are home, the close the door.

Karin
Well, I'm glad that's over. Lets have a few rounds. [She picks up a tray full of beakers with various colored mixes.]

Wendy
Or a few squares, speaking of which, I think we all owe our thanks to Jeff, even though is a Heisenberg.

Jeff
Aw, shucks, it's nothing a real scientist wouldn't do for money!

[Everyone laughs and drinks. Rob drinks on his monitor.]

VO Sam
Sorry to interrupt your recreation, Doctors, but showtime is in ST minus fifteen hundred seconds.

Rob
[Does slide-rule calculation on his monitor.] That's less than half an hour from now! We've got to move!

[Everyone except David races about grabbing stuff and junk, piling it by the door.]

David
But I thought today was Tuesday! Oh well, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. [David joins the fun.]


Scene 12. Exterior montage of Schrödinger and Heisenberg car scenes. The Heisenbergs are very calm and organized. They systematically check off each item loaded into their immaculate white car. The Schrödingers throw all their stuff and junk into the back seat and argue about who gets to ride in front. They forget important stuff, and expensive junk falls out of the trunk. They are not very scientific.


Scene 13. Interior of the Temple of Artificial Inspiration. The Heisenbergs are setting up on stage. They are calm and collected. Suddenly, we hear a loud car stop, and the Schrödingers rush in.

[Symba and Booshka, being of the same sect, are practically the same person.]

Symba
I'm so sorry.

Booshka
You're too late. Sunset --

Symba
Is in ten minutes. We had to let the --

Booshka
Dead Heisenbergs perform tonight.

[Karin Heisenberg has heard the Heisenberg's name mentioned.

Karin Heisenberg
Huh? Well, if it isn't Schrödinger's Band. Aren't you those neo physicists who believe in the Ying Yan?

Karin Schrödinger
It's called the Tao. Ever hear of the Tao Of Physicists, girl?

Symba
[to the Heisenbergs] You mean... you're... not Taoists? [beat] Evil! Evil!

Booshka
[he has lost his composure] Oh it's ruined!

Wendy Schrödinger
Not yet it isn't.

Greg Schrödinger
Damnit, we're scientists, and we'll SOLVE this problem. Come on, Taoists, let's give those Heisenbergs a taste of Schrödinger's Uncertainty for a change.

[The battle is on. The Heisenbergs calculate and make notations on their clipboards. The Schrödingers do drugs, meditate, and generally fake it. They say nonsense and dance about. The Heisenbergs are very serious and sweat a lot. The Schrödingers have a lot of fun. Rob even intercuts himself with bad sitcoms. But alas, it appears to be a stalemate. The Schrödingers have cornered the Heisenbergs into a large black box, but whence to from there?]

Symba
What are we gonna do now?

[The Schrödingers look about, confused. We now notice that Poindexter and Squirrel are standing in the doorway. They have not been let into the show.]

Poindexter
[smugly] I know how to get rid of them.

Booshka
[commanding] Banish them!

Poindexter
Then you'll invite me [Squirrel tugs on Poindexter's sleeve] oh, yeah, then you'll invite me and Squirrel to the party?

Symba
Yeah, anything, just get rid of them!

[Booshka looks at Symba, disapproving her lack of composure.]

Booshka
So Be It.

Squirrel
All right!

[Poindexter noybels into the room. At the black box, he takes out his calculator and begins to punch numbers. The Schrödingers crowd around to see what he's typing.]

Poindexter
Okay, this is the last digit, don't look!

[Poindexter holds the calculator away from himself, keys in the last digit, effectively pulling the pin from his weapon of destruction. He throws it into the box and slams the lid.]

VO Heisenbergs
[inside box] Two... plus... three... equals... No!

[Suddenly, the box is silent. The Heisenbergs have mysteriously vanished. The entire temple is silent.]

Greg
How the Hell did you do that!?

Poindexter
[exquisitely smug] Aw, it was nothing.

Symba
My hero. [Falls into Poindexter's arms. Squirrel is plainly jealous or upset or something.]

Booshka
Places! Places everyone! It is but thirty short seconds to sunset! Can you perform for the celebration?

David
No problem -- they use all the same stuff as us!

[Schrödinger's Band rushes up to all the Heisenberg's equipment. Booshka races up to announce them. He speaks quickly in tongues, the only recognizable words being "Schrödinger's Band," and hops offstage.

[Schrödingers Band does a song and everyone dances and smiles and has a real good Equinox Cartilage Celebration.]

End of Act Two


ACT THREE


Scene 14. Interior of Temple. The party is over, only a few people are left cleaning up. Schrödinger's band, Symba, and Poindexter are talking. Squirrel is trying to impress the cleaning woman.

Rob
So tell me, Poindexter, how exactly did you dispose of the Heisenbergs?

Poindexter
It was simple, really. The equation was wrong and they knew it.

[Schrödinger's Band understand and are suitable impressed.]

Symba
Well, that's pretty vague or nebulous.

All except Symba
Or Both!

End of Act Three

The End


11/15/95.23:30 - 7/19/96.12:40