METEORS AND MICROWAVES
EPISODE 1: THE JOVONAUTS
a comedy in one act
by GREG LLOYD DADIE RESCH DAVID VAN BRINKfirst revision: 16 August 1987
second revision: 22 August 1987
first publication: WWW 1 April 1995
CAST OF CHARACTERS
The Philip Family (#2323)
Mr. Dick Philip is a conservative looking middle aged man. He smokes a pipe, wears a cardigan sweater, has a jovial disposition, and tries to be a leader among his family.
Mrs. Kay Philip is a ditzy new age mother, constantly going from supressed neurosis to calm, bliss at a moments notice. She is is a product of a chemical suburbia. Typical, pretty young housewife.
Ths Son is your typical obnoxious, hyperactive squirt. He has a huge amount of imagination, which gives him the belief that he is a scientific genius. Actually, he is a wiseguy.
The Daughter is a crybaby who follows her brother mindlessly. She is a typical bratty kid sister.
The Science Police Department
Fascist Dictator aka Ringmaster is your typical police-state fascist commander. She is evil, cruel and heartless. She loves her job.
Detective Scientist Heisenberg and Detective Scientist Schrödinger are both detectives in the office, and buffoons on the job. They wear sunglasses, smoke cigarettes, and eat cheese puffs. When they are out of the station, they assume clown identities and attitudes. They are interchangeable.
Cameos
Dr. Khamami, a scientist who actually knows something about the Harmonic Convergence.
Everyman, pitches Jovonox to his TV audience.
The same actress plays Kay, the daughter, and the Fascist Dictator.
The same actor plays Dick and Detective Scientist Heisenberg.
The same actor plays Son and Detective Scientist Schrödinger.
ACT I
Scene 1. Philip family kitchen. We see Kay Philip gazing concernedly at the camera. The view is distorted and strange. Behind her, we see her kitchen, including a microwave oven. This is a dream sequence.VO Daughter
Mommy... mommy, I'm scared of the Harmonic Convergence!Kay
It's okay, sugarpie squiggems. Everyone's afraid of something. Why, even mommy gets scared sometimes.VO Daughter
What are you afraid of, mommy?Kay
Well... uh... little pumpkinspleen, I'm afraid of meteors... and microwaves. [Kay undergoes one of her drastic mood swings from neurotic to blissed out...] Now, isn't that silly?[Suddenly, a glowing meteor crashes through the roof and through the top of the microwave. Kay reacts, slowly (she is blissed). The microwave dings (food ready!) and the door opens. There is a smoldering meteor here, sputtering and smoking like an overcooked walrus and seaweed casserole.]
VO Son
Mom! Mommm!
Scene 2. She is now awakened by the insistent voice of her son, to find herself back at the Philip Family breakfast table. She is holding a Jovonox mask to her face. Her stare is more vacant than usual, even for Kay. We pause a beat at a motionless breakfast scene; Dick, Son, and Daughter notice their mother's absence... then time resumes its pace.Son
Mom, don't hog that Jovonox! You should just do a little the first time, otherwise you'll burn out your Jupiter Synapse! [Taps his head.]Dick
Whoa, there, big guy! Back up a little! I guess you'd say "rewind." I'm still not too clear on the Harmonica Carnival scenario.Son
Harmonic Convergence, dad. Gosh, get with the program, big dude.Dick
[slightly peeved] Well, whatever it is... What's it all about?Son
It's like this, dad. Let's say that this is the Earth [he holds up a baseball], and this is Jupiter [holds up a baseball mit]. Normally, the Earth, like a gigantic spitball, flies right past Jupiter.... strike! However, dad, as the time of the Harmonic Convergence draws near, Jupiter's gravitational resonance increases. [He waves his models in more and more erratic circles] Meanwhile the Earth's gravitational field is being slowly drained. [aside, to camera] That's why we've all been so darned psychic lately! [Waves ball and mit faster and faster.] Like a humonguous cosmic vacuum cleaner, Jupiter sucks the Earth right out of the ballpark. [Throws Earth into Jupiter]. Home run! The Earth and Jupiter converge! Get it, now? Instead of being boring old Earthlings, we'll be Jovians!Daughter
Kinda like ET, huh?[Son pulls her pigtails. She is in pain, but silently. The parents don't react to this.]
Dick
[Nervously] You know, sport, you should take all that scientific mumbo jumbo with a grain of salt. You can't believe everything you hear!Son
[With awe] But dad, Dr. Khamami is a scientist, so he oughtta know! Anyhow, we all have to breathe the Jovonox so we assimilate the Jovian atmosphere, real soon!Dick
[chuckling nervously at his prodiguous young monster] Sure, son, whatever you say. [Resignedly, but not really, picks up mask and breathes deeply. Blissed...] Shouldn't you be running along to school now?Son
[barely starts to leave table, still hungrily eyeing the Jovonox mask] But dad, it's Saturday...Dick
[Sternly] Son.Son
Aww, okay... [as he leaves:] Nuts![Kay grabs at mask from Dick]
Scene 3. We see a door with the number "101". The door opens to reveal the Science Police control room. It is cluttered with monitors and surveillance equipment. Fascist Dictator is at far side of table and Detective Scientists Schrödinger and Heisenberg are at either side of the table, facing each other. The monitor on the table is showing the Philip Family, #2323. (Wierdly, the family is smoking). Everybody is smoking. S is monitoring the television, while H takes notes on clipboard. Fascist Dictator is petulantly fondling a pair of handcuffs. We hear a heavily echoed version of "Age Of Aquarius".Detective Scientist Schrödinger
Family 2323: Business as usual.Detective Scientist Heisneberg
Has sonnyboy abandoned his dangfool rocket vehicle idea?DS.S.
No, not yet. [To camera:] Like all of our citizens, the Philip family is concerned about the Harmonic Discordance--Fascist Dictator
Harmonic Convergance!DS.S.
[mutters] uh, Harmonic Convergence. They are worried that split level ranch-houses won't be fashionable on Jupiter.DS.H.
Hmm, could be serious if he gets to Jupiter before our people. Might just embargo the whole heuristic concordance.DS.S.
Harmonic Convergence, you nimrod!DS.H.
[mutters] Ham sandwich confession...FD
I want the two of you Science Detectives--DS.S and H
Detective Scientists!FD
--Detective Scientists to get out there and do your jobs! Keep an eye on that rocket!DS.S.
Right! [Fiddles with monitor.] Family 2324: business as usual.
Scene 4. Son and daughter are in a room of their house. They are sitting cross-legged, facing each other, holding hands. As they rock back and forth, they recite their secret Jupiter chant:
O' Glorious Planet Jupiter This Gaseous Orb Which Overflows With Peace and LoveThey chant this several times, when suddenly Mom and Dad burst open the door...
Kay
Children!Dick
What are you doing now? Don't you think you're taking this whole Jupiter thing a little bit too seriously? Shouldn't you be in school? And squiggems, shouldn't you be at your modern dance aerobic meditation class?Son and Daughter
[in unison] It's Saturday! [more or less together] Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! [They are whining at the very tops of their lungs, Son interjects "Dad"s and Daughter interjects "Mom"s simultaneously] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah![Dick and Kay look at each other, don't know what to do, shrug, and depart, slamming door behind them. Children give each other the thumbs-up, and continue to chant, dancing about. Before they complete a whole cycle, they start to fight and squabble]
Son
You're doing it all wrong!Daughter
[screaming] Am not! You said to do it that way!Son
Hey, let's work on the spaceship![They move a few feet over to the spaceship, "Jovian 1." It is a pile of boxes and milk crates and junk.]
Daughter
Yeah! Look what I got from the kitchen! [Reaches within clothing and pulls out a generic macaroni and cheese dinner. Son is excited, and snatches it away from her. He shreds box, and pours macaroni into one of the milk crates, marked "Noodle Drive."] Ooooh! Gimme the cheese! [She grabs the cheese packet and bites into it, paper and all.]Son
[Grabs packet back] No! Thats space rations! We have to eat that on Jupiter! [beat] Look! I got some Spam, too! [pulls out a tin of Spam].Daughter
[Looks down at the macaroni which has fallen through the Noodle Drive.] I think the noodle drive is busted.[They crouch down to attempt to scoop the macaroni off the floor and into the noodle drive. It falls right through.]
Scene 5. Police Control room. DS.S. and DS.H. are working late. The ashtray is overflowing with cigarettes and cheesepuffs. They are monitoring the family 2323 children.DS.H.
[DS.H. picks up a cheesepuff from the ashtray, attempts to light it, sees what it is and is disgusted. He flings it back into the ashtray. DS.S. offhandedly offers H a cigarette from his pack. DS.H. takes it: it is already lit.] Nice trick.DS.S.
Looks like he's actually going through with it.DS.H.
You mean, off-the-planets-ville?DS.S.
You know it. [drags cig] He's going far, far out.DS.H.
All the way out.DS.S.
What are our options?DS.H.
I don't think we really have a choice.DS.S.
Just one thing to do.DS.H.
There's no alternative.DS.S.
Standard procedure.DS.H.
Mom's the only one home. Let's get to it.DS.S.
Microwave repairmen?DS.H.
Right. Secret clown names?DS.S.
Right. Jolo and Pasolini?DS.S and DS.H.
[look at each other, in unison:] Right. [both drag cigs]
Scene 6. Fade in to Philip Family entry hall. Kay is dusting the front door. It rings. She opens it. It is none other than Jolo and Pasolini. They are wearing oversized name badges.Jolo
Microwave repairmen!Kay
Oh! From the clown service?Jolo and Pasolini
[They give each other humorous clown expressions.] Right!Kay
Come right on in! I was just leaving to pick up some Jovonox! Could I get you clowns some?Pasolini
Sorry, ma'am, not on duty.Jolo
But some cheesepuffs would be nifty![Pasolini holds up laughing box. It laughs. The three laugh together.]
Kay
[Shaking her head] Hahaha. I'll be back in a few hours. You know how this hermetic contingency is affecting traffic!Jolo and Pasolini
[Lauging] Harmonic Convergence!Kay
[Leaving] Right![Jolo and Pasolini wait until the door is completely closed before leaping into action. They bumble and stumble and flail their arms. Jolo stomps over to the stereo and starts a cassette of zany, warped circus music. They clown-dramatic gesture at each other.]
Pasolini
How about a bug in this lamp, Jolo! [knocks over lamp]Jolo
A bug? [Dangles large plastic insect at Pasolini and throws it into his face.] How about this, Pasolini! They'll never find it here!Pasolini
Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [Waves arms backwards, tries to stomp bug, and falls over backwards into a pile of stuff. We hear the laugh box.][They stumble some more, and then fight each other to the stairs.]
Scene 7. We see the door inside the spaceship room. The door opens to reveal Jolo and Pasolini struggling to fit through the door simultaneously. They eventually fall in. Both jump up immediately, whip out their giant clown telescopes and start searching for the spaceship.Pasolini
Where's the spaceship!Jolo
[leaning on spaceship] It's not over here!Pasolini
It all looks so real on television!Jolo
Maybe they already left for Jupiter!Pasolini
They won't get too far without this! [He points to floor. We pan down to pile of macaroni under the noodle drive.]Jolo
Look! Space rations![They grab at the Spam and Cheese. Jolo tries to bite cheese just as daughter did. They fight over food. As we fade out, we hear "wonder if they got any cheesepuffs..."]
Scene 8. We see a commercial on a close-up of a TV screen. It is a commercial for Jovonox. --- To Be Written ---
Scene 9. Dick and Kay are settled onto the couch for another stimulating evening of bad TV. Dick is aiming a remote control at the camera (POV TV). Between them on the sofa is a large, fake spider. They are unconsciously leaning towards it to speak into it. They are apparently unaware of the profusion of fake insects in their living room.Kay
Honey? There's something strange going on around here, and I just can't put my finger on it. [She places a finger on the spider.]Dick
Pshhhhhh. What's for dinner?Kay
I've got a walrus and seaweed casserole in the micro-oven. [Quick subliminal of a meteor in the microwave.] The clowns came and repaired it today.Dick
I thought you were making you macaroni and spam surprise tonight? What's the.... Wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with the micro-oven!Kay
Well, the clowns from the service said they'd fix it... [she is getting progressively spacier]Dick
Are you sure they were service clowns? I mean, what if, um...Kay
Oh, honey, they had funny noses! I guess we're all getting a little paranoid from the Vernal Equinox.VO DS.S. and H. from TV
Harmonic Convergence![Dick and Kay look at TV (at camera). Dick changes the channel with remote control.]
Kay
Hormonal Coniption thing...Dick
I guess you're right dear. It is kind of perplexing. [He leans towards wife, and is interrupted by]VO Police State Mind Control Computer (FD)
Ding. Ding. Dinnertime is now! Dinnertime is now!Kay
[Starting to rise.] Kids! Dinner!VO Daughter
Just a minute!Dick
Dinnertime is now!VO Kids
[in unison] Aaaaaaaaaah!
Scene10. - 11. This sequence is rapid-fire alternation between the Detective Scientists in control room and the children at their spaceship. It demonstrates the converging effect.Detective Scientists are, as ever, working late. Clown gear and insect sprays are lying about. This time DS.H. is watching TV and DS.S. is taking notes.
The children are putting the finishing touches on their spaceship.
DS.S.
The parents know nothing.DS.H.
Fools.DS.S.
Let's see what the little space jockeys are up to.DS.H.
Yes. Don't forget, we've only thirty more hours until Earth and Jupiter embrace in painful ecstacy.DS.S.
[snide, bored] Harmonic Convergence.Son
[impatiently] Come on! It's X minus thirty hours and counting! We have to hurry!Daughter
You ever think what it's gonna be like on Jupiter? [Son looks at her with disgust: she is not hurrying.]DS.S.
[introspectively] Dark. Dark and bitter.DS.H.
[deadpan] And I'll have mine with cream and sacharine. [Leans back, and shuts off monitor.] You know, Schrödinger, a job like this really makes you think. I knew I had all the answers. [S is getting annoyed]. But on Jupiter, that's all going to be different.Son
It's just like a bunch of things! One thing followed by another, and another, and another, [teasing sister, sort of]DS.H.
There's got to be more to it than that! What about the acres and acres of nothing and nothing! That's got to count for something!Daughter
Just think, we could own all of it, if we could just get the noodle drive fixed! Just think! Nothing and nothing and... another nothing... and then some nothing and then...Son
[screams] Something! [looks at camera] There must be something!DS.H.
Nothing!DS.S.
Something!DS.H.
Nothing!DS.S.
Something!Son
Oh, I give up! What were we talking about anyway?VO Police State Mind Control Computer (FD)
Ding. Ding. Dinnertime is now! Dinnertime is now!VO Kay
[calling from downstairs] Kids! Dinner![Son thinks something is wrong with time; he taps his digital watch and holds it to his ear.]
Daughter
Just a minute!VO Dick
Dinnertime is now!Son and Daughter
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Scene 12. Doctor Khamami's office. He sits amidst books, papers, and other scientist things. The good doctor has figured something out. He jumps to his feet, and points to the sky.Dr. Khamami
Vait vun second! De Mayan kalendar ist vun day off! Coagulate, de ancient Roman Korn Got, predikts the Holistik Kontraception Liqvid -- [pauses for someone to correct his phrasing, glances about ] -- vill occur not in thirty hours as everyone believes, but actually... [looks at watch, taps it, listens to it] Right about now! [The camera shakes to give the illusion of a great earth movement, as the doctor is flung to and fro by the Event.]
Scene 13. A zany montage of crazy scenes and low-budget special effects. Everyone screams. The Convergence is a real mind blower. We see a replay, perhaps a closeup, of the meteor crashing into the microwave; a closeup of a baseball thrown into a mit; a closeup of a cigarrette crushed into an ashtray full of cheesepuffs. We hear several overlapping conversations between the various characters.
Scene 14. The Philip kitchen. All the characters have merged here into three: Kay/Daughter/Fascist Dictator; Dick/Heisenberg/Jolo; Son/Schrödinger/Pasolini. The camera angles are upward towards these towering beings. They are wearing a combination of the various costumes.Kay aka etc.
Everyone! Look! [points in some direction. The room attains an orange glow.][We hear the microwave "ding." The son opens the microwave oven. There is a miniature planet Earth in there.]
Son aka etc.
I think we now know the whole truth! We won't be needing this anymore... [He tosses the Earth aside, introspects, and solemnly brings forth the laughing box. Hahaha.]Dick aka etc.
You see, Pasolinisport, you didn't need any silly spacecrafts or high-falutin' surveillance equipment!! Everything turned out just fine! The Earth and Jupiter have merged in a joyful marriage of peace and love!VO Jovian Mind Control Computer
Ding! Ding! [the family perks up] Breathing time is now! Breathing time is now!Kay aka etc.
Well, I guess you men -- and clowns! -- have got a lot of things to figure out! But first, how about a little something for us Jovonauts![She throws open the front door. They all breathe deeply and smile.]
All
[blissed out] Ha ha ha ha!Fadeout
Credits
Scene 15. Epilogue: Dr. Khamami's office.Khamami
[Thoroughly frazzled...] Vuz it gut for you too? Velikovski said it vud be like dis!THE END
4/1/95.19:38 - 7/19/96.14:16